Rubbing Elbows All About Town


Cave People
March 22, 2010, 7:59 pm
Filed under: Anecdotal, Just for funz, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , ,

Sometimes I wish we were all cave people. Maybe just for like a week. Life would be easier in a lot of ways. Instead of stressing over your bills and job interviews and people sneezing on you, you would worry about finding more tasty-ass mammoth meat. Or learning how to ride on the back of a sabertooth tiger. You know, fun problems.

In wishing this, I also wish that I would possess the knowledge and ingenuity I presently possess, but in cave times. They would probably make me king. We would be a fair king. We would share the wonders of fire and human beatboxing with the cave populace. Dinosaurs could be used as appliances like on The Flintstones, though that is really only a good idea on paper as The Flintstones is largely fictitious, and dinosaurs were dickheads. If they don’t want to play our records with their beaks, then they can get the hell out of Cavemerica.

Of course, as cave king, I would not be able to stress the importance of self-survival enough. If I kill something, that’s my meat/clothes/tools/sex toys. Can you have some? Nope. Go to cave school or learn a cave trade. Soon enough you’ll have the proper training to hunt for days, eventually returning with something for your mate and young ones. Those whiny tree-dwelling bastards find this concept absurd. Take care of one another, they say. Help if you can, they say. If you become sickly or hurt yourself while operating your brontosaurus, that’s your problem. You need a spare skin to warm your ill young in the winter? Yabba dabba don’t ask me.

Even if those tree people were able to install their own tree king and convince most of our caveocracy to share a portion of their kill with the helpless and desperate, some pagan shit would go down. We, as cave people, would get primitive (which is totally in, so bonus). We would protest and bitch about it on Facerock. We would say things like, “Welp, there goes our cave freedoms,” or, “The tree king is Muslim, you know.” I guess that eventually we would realize that there’s nothing we can do about it. We would just have to beat something with a club until we were tired. Then it’s just a matter of seeing what happens next. Hey, maybe it won’t be so bad.

I hope this has helped some of you understand that living in cave times could be pretty cool or whatever. Thank you.

Music video for Dragnet (1987)
February 23, 2010, 9:51 pm
Filed under: Cool things I like | Tags: , , , , , ,

I haven’t watched the Dragnet movie in a long, long time until last night. I loved it, of course. If I could have one celebrity best friend, it would definitely be pre-Philadelphia Tom Hanks.

Watch this amusing music video from the 1987 Dragnet movie:

Waiting Room
February 12, 2010, 1:45 am
Filed under: Anecdotal, Just for funz | Tags: , , , , , , ,

A witnessed dialogue between three women at a doctor’s office:

Receptionist (hereafter “REC”): May I help you?
Woman in UGG® boots (hereafter “UGG®”): I’m just going around all the offices and letting the medical staff know that our spa is giving a SUPER SAVINGS DISCOUNT to ya’ll if ya’ll want to come in for a full spa treatment.
REC: Okay.
UGG®: Yeah, it’s a facial, hair treatment, full manny, full peddy, the works, m’hm. It’s about a 90% discount. I just want to know who here would love that?!
REC: Yeah, well, I don’t do dat really.
UGG®: So, you’re not interested?
REC: Nope. Not really.
UGG®: Is there anybody else here that might be interested?
REC: I don’t know. I’ll ask.
UGG®: That’d be great.

A minute passes. A nurse appears at the window. She has bright purple streaks in her wispy, black hair. She is not a good nurse. She will be known as “INCOMPETENT.”

INCOMPETENT: Yeah, what’s up?
UGG®: Hi, we’re giving all the staff a full spa treatment discount. That includes a facial, highlights, or lowlights in your hair, full manny, full pedd…
INCOMPETENT: What kinda discount?
UGG®: Um, well, it’s about 90% off. So, it’s usually $400, but it’ll be more like $60 for ya’ll.
INCOMPETENT: Mm-uh-mm. That’s good!
UGG®: Yeah, right? It hasn’t started yet. We’re just going round right now and seeing who would love that. If you want to sign up with your name and e-mail, we’ll let you know when it happens and give you times to schedule an appointment. Does that sound awesome or what?
INCOMPETENT: I know dat’s right.

She signs up.

The End.

That took up about five minutes of the two hours I spent in a waiting room today. Enjoy your Presidents’ Day weekend!

White People/Black People
January 31, 2010, 7:05 pm
Filed under: Cool things I like, Hilarity | Tags: ,

A Trapped Rabbit
January 31, 2010, 2:03 am
Filed under: Just for funz, Uncategorized

Louis poured himself another cup of coffee. He tried not to think of the doughnuts his wife Shelia had bought that morning for the twins, who were still in bed by that time, and distracted himself with the Sunday newspaper. Louis’ decision to avoid sweets arose from his shameful dispatch of three doughnuts on the previous Sunday, which installed a goading itch in his belly for the rest of the week. This sensation came to feel like a hunger, and was, in fact, to some degree, though it was mostly a familiar guilt, a mongrelized descendant of the contrition Louis experienced in his church service childhood that had spread like buckshot into the current worries of his adult life. Louis began reading from the back of the local news page. He attempted to read a particular article about a high school student who had founded a charity for congenital muscular dystrophy, but nearly a quarter of the way through he began thinking about the cooling and hardening glaze of the untouched doughnuts and read the same line of text three or four times consecutively. He exited the kitchen and went to look out the window of the den with his mug of coffee.

“Honey, did you check the trap yet?” Shelia said from another room.

“Oh, no. I haven’t,” Louis replied. A mangy, black cat had taken residence underneath the back deck of the house. Louis didn’t mind its presence, but the large animal bullied Shelia’s cocker spaniel and often ate its food. Both Louis and Shelia ran the cat off when they spotted it, but it always returned at night, scratching its way over the fence and back under the house where it lurked until the frost of dawn left and it could resume its neighborhood exploration. It was Shelia who suggested a humane trap, which surprised Louis because he considered himself the more humane one, and also because his wife protected her old dog with an earnestness that Louis had never felt for anything, except for his children perhaps.

The backyard swelled out from the deck and became wilder and less manicured as it neared the back fence. There were several trees that obstructed Louis’ view of his neighbor’s property where he suspected the cat migrated from when it was ready to retire. The slice of land was mostly forest and Louis had drafted plans to convert the scanty lawn into a swimming pool, though the twins loved the thin streak of woods and the hiding places it afforded. Louis figured they would be happier with a pool as they grew older and it would give him and Shelia an excuse to spend more time outside.

Louis was nervous about the trap; it would be the seventh unsuccessful attempt if there was no captive. He tensely untied the cords of his waistband and then re-tightened them as he paced towards the small cage at the side of the house. There was no black cat, again, but there was a small cottontail rabbit. It was slightly bleeding on its backside near its tail where the trap had forcibly snapped. Louis felt remorseful. He studied the rabbit for a moment, wearing a glazed look of grateful pity. The rabbit focused on escape. Louis looked up at the sun burning gold at the edges of a gray scarf of cloud and then glanced back at the rabbit again. Suddenly the voices of men from his past emerged from the unlit corners of his memory and he began to think of eternity, our earthly prisons, the Gates of Heaven, and other words of interest from the Sundays of his life. He realized that he was envious of the rabbit, envious of its forthcoming relief from disgrace. It was as clear to him as a wrong note in a scale. He felt silly.

Louis took the trap to the driveway and opened it. The rabbit scurried to the lawn across the road and into a narrow scrub that ran behind the subdivision toward the freeway. He returned through the backdoor and into the kitchen where he walked straight to the box of doughnuts and ate one in only five bites.

“Did you catch the cat?” asked Shelia, entering the kitchen.

“No, trapped a rabbit, though,” said Louis.

“A bunny? Hm. Is it still out there?”

“No, I let it go.”

“Why didn’t you wait until the kids could see it? They love rabbits.”

“I don’t know. It was hurt. I didn’t want to upset them.”

“Well, they’ll be upset that they didn’t get to see it at all.”

“Just don’t tell them. There’s no need for them to worry. They’ll grow up happier.”

Shelia snickered at Louis’ reasoning. He smiled and reached for another doughnut.

That night, Louis and Shelia made love. It was tenderly intended and agreeable to both parties, though Louis was surprised by his invitation and even more so by his wife’s acceptance. It wasn’t a Sunday night occurrence in their house and Louis still approached the subject with a clumsy formality. He noticed the soft sheets of their bed for the first time and wanted to compliment Shelia on her selection. He didn’t care about the black cat any longer. It could live there, eating the old dog’s food and sleeping warmly under the house. He would keep the trap out there to appease Shelia, of course. He wished he could give the twins their pool tomorrow and wondered about the cost of swimming lessons. He wondered about the rabbit. Was it healing? Was it at all thankful to him, if a rabbit could be such a thing? Was it resting safely under one of the dark and gnarled hiding places of the world, waiting calmly until daybreak to dart splendidly along the grassy fringe of the interstate and beyond?

Cone Zone

Well, it’s a little late to get into this now that it’s all said and done, but I didn’t really have the opportunity to say anything on here about the recent NBC late night fiasco that captivated American television viewers for the last few weeks. Anyway, I just want to say that I was introduced to Conan at a very young age and it did not take long for me to become a super fan. It goes without saying that the hand dealt to Conan by his employers saddens me greatly. Obviously this situation could and should have been handled with more care.

I got hooked on Conan when I was around ten and I thought my cousin Joe and I were the only two people in the world who knew about his show. I have a great deal of wonderful memories from watching Late Night and I attribute my desire to write television comedy to Big Red himself. I’ve been upset for the last week that Conan won’t get his Tonight Show comeuppance, but I’m confident that him, Andy, Max, and the whole crew will be back in some new form that might even be more awesome than anything we’ve seen yet. Fingers crossed.

A cool Today Show clip that briefly charts Conan’s history before taking over the Tonight Show:

Wait until about three minutes into this. Shit gets real.

Though the parodiable Hitler fits are tired at this point, the Leno blunder makes this one fresher than any other I’ve seen since the first: